Is The Worst Cook Ever

     This is me cooking:  It begins with a vision, like my New Year's dinner.  Something to feature apples.  How about a Chicken Kiev with potato latkes and applesauce?  It sounded perfectly fine.  And besides, the night before I had successfully baked banana chocolate biscotti for the reception at our temple AND had made english muffin pizzas with fresh tomatoes and mozzarella (and had vacuumed the house and played with the children all while Bill was bowling).  So clearly, I had this cooking thing under control.  Granted, the kitchen was still kind of messy from the night before with flour caked onto the countertops but whatever.  I could handle dinner tonight.
     So this vision was rather ideal and I could actually visualize the family enjoying their meal.  But clearly I would need support so I did look through my cookbooks.  My cookbook pages are covered in oil stains and all have some type of white powder stuck in their bindings.  Many pages are wrinkled or even ripped.  This is not from heavy use but from sloppy cooking with no regard to the fact that there's a book sitting on the counter.  So my cooking progressed from this ideal stage into general mayhem.  First, I realized that I was supposed to soften the butter, mix it with the herbs and then freeze it.  I skipped this stage just by using frozen butter and sprinkling the herbs around the butter. Whatever- it was already 6:20 (dinner at 7pm).  Once the chicken was prepared, I mindfully covered it with tinfoil and put it in the oven. Then I started to make the latkes which I've never actually made by myself from scratch before (and only once with someone else).  I started with the actual grater but then switched to the food processor.  I halved the recipe but it didn't seem quite right so I threw in an extra egg.  Plus I got lazy when it was time to drain the grated potatoes (because the strainer was still dirty from the day before) so there was too much water in the mixture to begin with.  I made the applesauce from scratch too.  Unfortunately it didn't occur to me that I should probably peel the apples (since Bill had picked them off of trees at a local orchard/golf course and brought them home in his golf bag) until after I had put them into the hot water... so I had to remove them and then peel cut up apples.  At this time, I removed the tinfoil off of the chicken and kept it in the oven on warm.  Stupid mistake.  Meanwhile the latkes were looking like hash browns in the frying pan.
     Dinner was served about a half an hour late (7:30) and throughout dinner, Bill and I had to keep getting up to flip the latkes.  Neither child liked the latkes (even when we tried to pass them off as just hash browns). The chicken didn't turn out right either.  I'm pretty sure when you eat chicken, your teeth shouldn't stick together.  The applesauce was delicious.  So clearly I am only cut out to make baby food, which is only slightly reassuring.
     Seriously, I've burned each of the following countless times: macaroni, rice, butter, miscellaneous noodles and more!  I'm pretty sure I've identified my problems as a cook. (1) Lack of skill (2) Lack of planning (3) Inability to follow directions.  I think those sum it up just about right.  Now I can cook some things very well, I just need to be able to throw in all of the tried-true-and-tested ingredients (ex: a fresh salsa with tomatoes, garlic, onions & chives) or use a mix (ex: brownies).  Also (4) Kiddie helpers.  Okay, so this isn't really an excuse but here's why I'm listing them.  Sometimes they get me a little distracted so I, for example, forget to de-seed a zucchini before mashing it into the bread batter.  Other times they mix a little too fervently.  And many times after the baked goods are put into the oven or on the stovetop, we just forget that we spent all that time cooking and (oops) overcook whatever it was we were trying so hard to make!
     It may just be best for me to step back and make tacos for dinner tonight.  If Bill takes care of the meat, I'm pretty sure I can cut up the veggies successfully.  And we could have my fresh salsa with them too... But hopefully I won't burn the taco shells again.