How I Bleached Our Nursery Room Rocker

     Ever go on a tirade around the house?  It starts something like this...

• What is that stuff in the back of that drawer?
• Ew... this drawer too?
• Maybe it's time to apply the new shelf paper I bought six months ago.
• But first I need to do the dishes because this is going to be a mess.
• But first I need to empty the dishwasher because I still haven't emptied last night's load.
• Where is Liam?  He's supposed to do the silverware.
• Liam!  What is this mess?  Let me help you clean it up.
• Okay, now the dishes are done and it's time to get back to work.
• Oh, I thought I cleaned out all of the syrup when it fell into the silverware drawer.
• Hmm... maybe I should just put a new layer of shelf paper on top of the old layers...
• (Improper attempt to rationalize laziness) Afterall, shelf paper will stick better to other pieces of shelf paper, right?
• Moment of rationality... No, then I'd have to clean the old shelf paper.  If I take it off, it's easier anyway so I can still meet my daily lazy quota.
• Why do we have so many take-out chopsticks?
• How many bottle openers do we need?
• I think I can throw out this bottle opener we got from the Vatican 9 years ago... the Pope's face fell off it awhile back anyway so now it's just a plain old bottle opener.  No more irony.
• I think I'll go the extra step by spraying the drawers with Lysol... better go outside.
• Why is it such a nice day... in January?
• All of our windows need to be opened right now.
• Dammit.  Most of our windows are covered with that window insulating plastic... better just open the other ones.
• Joshua's window is too well insulated (only window in the house with those cozy insulated permanent shades)... his windowsill is actually black. That's probably not good.  I better clean it with some mildew remover.
• Oh my god, I have so much to do.  I still haven't finished the drawers.
• Where did I put that spray?
• Oh, it's on the rocker.
• Hmmm... it seems to be leaking bleach onto my rocking chair.
• Insert swear word here.
• I should probably tell Bill so he doesn't sit on the chair and bleach his jeans later.

Full disclosure: At some point in this barely productive madness I yelled at Bill who was being so unproductive.  I mean, all he did so far on this day was take Liam to bowling league and then fix our furnace.  I also forgot to tell him about the bleached chair.  Ooops.
Full disclosure: By some grace of God, I actually had a lunch date with a friend so I got out of the house and thereby regained a good amount of sanity.  It's a good thing I regained some sanity because Bill had his own Bowling League even to attend so... it was just two kids and a crazy mom for the evening.
     And this is how any good tirade really should end...

• Oh!  It's getting dark and we have no drawers.
• But our tupperware cupboard is so accessible, as I'm putting dishes away, I can just throw the tupperware into the open drawer slot and it falls into the cupboard below.
• I'd better get our drawers.
• Ack!  Liam!  What are you doing with that shelf paper!  Stick it back on to the backing!  I'm not ready yet!
• Joshua!  Come back with the roll!  It's not a weapon!
• I am the best mom ever, I'm teaching Liam how to use the measuring tape correctly.
• Wow, Liam is not really a straight cutter is he.
• How am I supposed to put shelf paper on straight when Joshua is sticking his face directly in front of my face and holding on to my hair with both hands?
• Is it possible that Liam is better at putting this on straight and without bubbles than I am?
• Now that we're done, I'm totally feeling fine.  I can totally handle making spaghetti and meatballs.
• What was I thinking?  Why did I think I could handle cooking a real meal tonight?
• What is Joshua talking about?  Why do I need to argue with a 2 year old even though I know I'm right?  (It is at this moment that Joshua has come into the kitchen waving around a plastic tomato from his kitchen set. He got into an argument with me that I was in no position to win despite the fact that I was right... and he threw his plastic tomatoes into the hot oven)
• Huh, imagine that.  Joshua just happened to throw his plastic tomato at the exact moment that the oven was open and now it's in the back corner... unreachable to me.
• I need potholders... but they're all being washed.
• I can't get to the plastic tomato because the hot grates are in the way.
• I can't put the grates on top of the oven because that's where the banana muffins are (did I mention I made banana muffins this morning).
• I'll have to lay the grates on top of the oven door... precariously of course.
• I should probably be wearing shoes.
• Smoke from burning plastic is probably not good, right?
• Why doesn't Joshua understand karma?  Or irony?           

     At bedtime we all sat down for a story... on the couch so I wouldn't bleach my pants on the rocker in the nursery.

  

Wowwipops and Melmo

     Lately Joshua has been running up and down our hallway with a stick shouting "Grabba Grabba".  Bill and I were a bit perplexed.  Was he talking about "Yo Gabba Gabba"?  Hopefully not for all of our own sanity (don't ever watch that show if you value sanity).  Then Liam joined in waving his own stick saying, "Pocus Pocus" and it immediately became apparent. The boys were magicians.
     Every so often, Bill and I channel our inner speech therapists and try to coach the boys into speaking with correct pronunciation and grammar.  We try to teach Joshua that "Pick I up" just doesn't sound right but then he just gets mad that he's still standing on the floor with his hands stretched up to us.  We try to teach Liam to pronounce the L's in lollipop too... but that just hasn't clicked yet either.
     Over the years the kids have come up with some interesting translations.  Often it takes awhile to figure out what they are saying.  I had a friend who was very lucky.  Her preschooler consistently substituted "f" for the tr sound.  Having such a pattern of mispronunciation was probably helpful for her since she usually knew what he was saying... and it was super fun asking him to identify vehicles on the thruway.
     Bill and I have had our favorite mispronunciations over the years.  We still call the remote a "goodmote" and even though Liam now pronounces "oatmeal" correctly, my mother and sister still call it "oatmo".  It's like we have our own secret language under this roof.  I can ask for a "goofier" and Bill knows to grab me a screwdriver. No one in our house knows who Elmo is but we've all heard of "Melmo".
     The other day I happened upon a video clip of Liam reading with his grandmother.  He was wearing the same pj's in the video that Joshua wears now.  I recognized the chubby cheeks of a shorter Liam but I hadn't realized just how much his voice had changed over these past couple of years.  His squeaky voice is gone and now most of what he says actually makes sense.  Sometimes I think it's best not to help the boys with the correct pronunciation.  Who wants to say good bye to that cute squeaky voice that insists on more "miwk".  I must admit, I miss Liam's faintly german dialect, "Put on mine coat" or "I want mine own bowl".  And I think I will miss Joshua's "Pick I up" soon enough too.  So maybe I'm secretly happy that the grammar lessons haven't quite sunk in yet for Joshua.  But just in case, I'll have to make a few videos of him wearing those same pj's.
 

Monitoring All Communications

     Liam's baby monitor has been on the fritz lately.  Yeah, you heard me... Liam's baby monitor.  The Liam that is about to turn 6 has a baby monitor.  In my defense, he has nightmares and his room is downstairs and on the other side of the house.
     For years now, the monitor has been usable only while on its charging base.  It's long since lost it's ability to travel 90 feet away.  Now a dust mite crawling between the sensors can get it started beeping with its red light.  I'm assuming that is what is happening because every night the monitor beeps at us from my dresser, sometimes just after we've fallen asleep, often in the middle of the night when we're never quite sure what woke us up... Yet every night Bill or I go into Liam's room and we click that monitor to make sure it's working from his end.
     Time to get rid of the monitor, right?  Wrong.  I can think of a hundred reasons why I need Liam's monitor on each night. There are the nightmares, true, but also what if his baseboard heater catches fire from a rogue Lego?  What if someone breaks into the house? What if he falls off his bed?  What if he gets sick?  Joshua still has his monitor, why wouldn't we need one for Liam too?  What if either of them needs us in the middle of the night?
     I'm not overprotective, really.  When everyone's awake, I see no real need for a monitor now that both kids are a little older.  In fact, I've been known to turn off their monitors after we put them down for bedtime (sometimes this is just necessary.  It's hard to hear Desperate Housewives when Joshua is screaming, "Me want juice. Me no want water. Me want juice.  Me no want water.  Me want juice...."). 
     I'm also not overly sentimental about my kids growing up.  Really, I actually enjoy having conversations with Liam now and I think watching Joshua becoming a real grown up kid is kind of cool too.  Babies can't break out into spontaneous mosh pits in the living room or talk about farts and poops at the dinner table.  They're not really as fun as having big kids.  I wasn't even upset when Liam boarded the bus for Kindergarten (Hello?  Free day-time care with the added benefit of learning?)!  Believe me, I won't be sad when I can get rid of Josh's Diaper Champ either.  So it's not emotions that keep me holding onto that monitor... at least not the emotion of being overly sentimental.
    It's clear that I will not be parting with Liam's monitor anytime soon. But when I think about it, I'm pretty sure he shouldn't have a monitor in his room when he's an 8 year old.  So sometime between not yet and 8. That seems specific enough.  Until then I think I'll just cope with the beeping.  On second thought, I think instead of getting rid of the monitor, I will just disguise it.  I won't keep it on all the time, just sometimes... I wonder how many of us had hidden baby monitors in our rooms when we were teens.  Ok, that's a really creepy thought.  I think it'll have to go sometime... but not until he's 8.

A Perfect Match

     The boys are playing blocks in the living room.  Joshua drinks coffee out of a cylinder-shaped block and then hands it to Liam who adds it to the top of his tower.  They talk in their own little rambling language about monster houses and treasure boxes.  In the mornings they take off every couch cushion, pillow and blanket to make a big mountain to sit on or to tunnel through while Mommy and Daddy oversleep.  Yesterday evening they actually moved all of the furniture in Joshua's room, along with his toy box full of toys and, yes, even his Diaper Champ, in front of his door locking their parents out of their so-called "hide out".  They have entire 20 minute conversations using Karaoke microphones ("Hi", "Hi", "Hi", "Hi", "Hi", etc...).  If Joshua sits down for dinner with an apple juice, Liam asks to sit right next to him with "what Joshy has."  They conspired in numerous ways to steal Christmas candy- from hiding their stockings and sharing the loot to sneaking out of the candy jar and hiding behind the couch and using each other's pockets. 
      Liam has grown up with no shortage of friends.  In preschool Liam met a kid who can only be thought of as real "best friend" quality.  It's not hard to meet a friend, but a good friend... that's much harder to come by.  I was worried at first when Liam told me about his best friend- was it one sided?  Until his friend's parents told me that he had said he plans on marrying Liam.  Phew.  What a relief!  The boys were inseparable, except when their teachers separated them.  This is how awesome a friendship it was: They were having a contest that only a mother could make up, a who-can-clean-up-faster-contest. When Liam realized he was losing, his BFF actually gave Liam some of the trash.  True, they bickered sometimes but overall it was a good scene... I didn't realize how good a scene until we had to start from scratch again in Kindergarten. 
    Seeking out a best friend isn't easy.  It's hard not to compare everyone to the original BFF and it takes tough skin to endure being overlooked.  Of course, I'm speaking from my perspective.  Every time Liam told me about a friend who tattled on him or who got mad at him, I couldn't help but compare them unfavorably to the preschool best buddy and feel a little dejected myself.  Liam was just a little confused about why his best friend wasn't in his class (or school).  I would badger him on the car ride home asking who he played with, what he played, who he talked to.  We even practiced introducing himself before the first day of school.  In retrospect, maybe sending him to school that first day in a button up shirt and tie having taught him how to say, "Hi, my name is Liam.  I like Transformers. What is your name?  What do you like?" might have been a little bit of a red flag for prospective friends.
     Eventually Liam announced that he had found a best friend.  Also silly and also smart, they seemed to be a good match.  They were in the same class and the same after school program.  It was great seeing Liam settled and happy, talking about his best friend... until I picked Liam up one day and overheard his K-buddy say, "I'm not your friend right now. Maybe I'll be your friend tomorrow."  Good grief.  Worse than back to square one, this set us back quite a bit. Try convincing a 5 year old that his BFF wasn't such a good friend after all.  I knew it would be a hard sell so I tried not to be too obvious, beyond the casual, "A friend is supposed to make you happy..." or "What would a good friend say?".  I admit it, after hearing similar statements over a period of a couple of weeks at pick up time, I kind-of-also suggested to the other child that maybe instead of reneging his friendship several times a day (that's me being sarcastic, I didn't actually say that to him) he could just "ask for a break".  Predictably, none of these passive aggressive tactics worked so I just figured Liam would have this K-buddy and he could find a new best friend for 1st Grade.  Until a few months into the school year when we received devastating news in the world of a 5 year old.  His best friend was moving away... out of state.  Devastation.  Crying at bedtime.  Over Thanksgiving, out of the blue Liam would look at one of us, bottom lip starting to tremble, and say pitiful things like, "I just remembered #@&%$ moved away."  Silver lining?  Now we were back at square one. 
     This time I didn't do any coaching.  I just suggested that Liam try playing with some other classmates. Instead his teacher coaxed another boy... one whose hair is styled in a mohawk and who always chooses books from the "Killer Hunter" series from the school library... to ask if Liam wanted to play.  I try not to ask too often, but it seems that the friendship has staying power.
     So what is a friend?  I've learned that now that the kids are older, I really do have less control over their choice of friends.  But I do know this.  After dinner today, Liam told Joshua who his real best friend is... (drum roll please) "You're my best friend Joshua."  And Joshua agreed, "Liam, you're my best friend."  And I couldn't have chosen a more perfect match myself.