Foods Your Kids Must Eat

     There are some foods your kids must eat... because it is extremely inconvenient for you if they do not eat them.  Healthy or not, children must eat the following foods: pizza, cheeseburgers AND/OR hot dogs, chicken nuggets and peanut butter.  Not liking one or more of these foods will cause you great angst as a parent.
   It is all well and good to have a child who loves Thai food, sushi, pho and spicy chimichangas but none of these will help you in a pinch at the family barbeque.  Aunt Betty will be serving up corn on the cob, cheeseburgers and hot dogs along with potato salad, macaroni salad and fried pickles (okay, ideally she'll be serving up fried pickles, but more realistically it'll just be a jar of dills).  Let's just rule out the salads because they have gloppy mayonnaise and the ingredients are all slopped together (generally unappealing for the kids).  Kids who don't like cheeseburgers or hot dogs will need to survive on corn alone.  I've attempted this before with my patented all-popcorn diet and it's not really a great option.  Let me also add a disclaimer here.  If it's one or the other... it should be hot dogs.  Hot dogs are faster and easier in a pinch.  Plus you can buy them at a gas station when your child is claiming to be starving on the way to a play date.
     Pizza and birthday parties go together just as fruit punch and crazed children; which is convenient because all birthday parties have pizza and fruit punch (and crazy children).  So if your child doesn't like pizza, he or she will go home full of chips and cake instead.  Recently Joshua has decided that he doesn't like pizza... and then that he likes pizza... and then that he will only eat pizza without sauce... and then that he doesn't like any pizza... and then that he will eat pizza again.  When he is in a no-pizza mood, it really puts a damper on things. Not only does it make birthday parties awkward ("Sorry, do you have anything else, he doesn't like pizza.") it also removes the option for a quick and easy meal after grocery shopping.  WHAT is not to like about pizza?  It's bread, it's cheese and it's sauce?  To top it all off, now that Josh is back into pizza (thanks to a baseball game and a cool older brother who does like pizza), his favorite part is actually the crust. That's not inconvenient... it's just weird.


Making a pizza together for Valentine's Day 2011, back when Josh still liked pizza.

With a home-made pizza like this, what's not to love?

     Peanut butter.  This is a staple food for moms everywhere who just want to give their kids some protein for heavens sake!  It's portable and delicious.  And the possibilities with peanut butter are just endless.  You can have plain, PB & J, peanut butter and honey, peanut butter and Fluff (admit it, you've tried it), peanut butter and apple butter, peanut butter and bananas, peanut butter and apples, peanut butter and cucumbers, peanut butter and celery with raisins (gross), peanut butter and maple cream (yum!) as well as peanut butter and what-ever-your-mommy-feels-like-hiding-in-the-sandwich-today!  Just so many options... all mostly healthy.  If you have a kid who is really into peanut butter, you can even be sneaky enough to spread it on healthy wheat grain bread!  But if your kid doesn't like peanut butter, you will have a sore reality to face when you are packing your next picnic. Trust me, it's best if you can convince them to eat peanut butter... even if that means adding that Fluff to the sandwich.
      I hesitate to even explain the chicken nuggets... because chicken nuggets are a mainstay in our household.  If all else fails... there are chicken nuggets.  And if chicken nuggets fail... there are dinosaur shaped chicken nuggets. Dino chicken nuggets are one of my kids' favorite things to play with.  It never gets old, listening to them talk about predator-prey relationships as they chomp off the heads of a T-Rex and a stegosaurus in quick succession.  If my kids didn't like chicken nuggets... well, that'd just be it. The McDonald's drive-through would be completely out (considering that the kids have a love-hate relationship with cheeseburgers which translates into loving them when we order and hating them when they unwrap the paper).  If they disliked chicken nuggets, it would just be devastating for long-distance travel. I don't think I'd approve of the kids eating tacos in the backseat. 
     Not that there is anything you can do... at all... to encourage your child to like hot dogs, peanut butter, pizza and chicken nuggets. It's really completely out of your control.  Actually, that's not true. The more you emphasize the need for them to try and to like one of these things... the more likely they will be to dig in their heels and declare a life-long distaste for life's most convenient foods.  If that happens, good luck.  I have a friend who carries around frozen burritos in her purse. That could be you.  Lord knows, I will probably need to carry a bag of chicken nuggets with me the next time we go to a birthday party.

Making A Home Presentable (When It Clearly Is Not)

     My sister once asked me how I got my house so clean.  When I stopped laughing, I explained to her that it's quite simple really.  I just visualize the most neat-freak guest that I will be expecting to show up at my house for the given event. And then it takes anywhere from 3 weeks to 5 minutes to get the job done.
     The 5 minutes are for family and very close friends.  It includes things like making sure I didn't take my clothes off in the bathroom and then leave them all lying on the floor.  The dirtier you've seen my house, the more you know I love you.  Either that or you really should call before just showing up at my door.
     The 3 weeks are for parties.  Big events that happen a few times a year.  We have been avoiding birthday party clean ups by contracting out our parties these past couple of years. But each summer we still insist upon having a summer BBQ.  There are many reasons for having a summer BBQ.  The first is that we enjoy seeing all of our friends and family and it's a good excuse to get everyone together.  The food is great too, especially since we started making a chili cook-off be the big event of the BBQ (next year, beware, Bill is reclaiming his title).  It's also a litmus test to see how popular we are; although it could just be Bill who is popular and not me...  At any rate, we do enjoy having a summer BBQ but it's a lot of work.  A lot a lot a lot of work.  Like, weeks worth of work.  Just in case you are clinically insane and wish to host a summer BBQ at your house, I have attached a schedule for cleaning while continuing to live in your house with children. This is an extremely precise schedule considering that any given moment grape juice could be spilled on the carpet, messy hands could be smeared on the walls and a soggy wad of oatmeal could be dripped onto the table and left there until it hardens into a rock-like substance (much like a coral reef).

3 Weeks Prior

• If you haven't done so already, start freaking out.  If you've already started to freak out, please continue.
• You can't really start any actual cleaning at this point.  Just try not to fall too far behind on the dishes, laundry or regular vacuuming.  Above all, don't expect any of the cleaning you do now to actually stick for the next three weeks.
• You could try to clean something that the kids have never heard of... like a closet.  You could also consider cleaning something obscure, like the curtains.
• Notice the crumbs an unidentified crud underneath the toaster oven. Freak out, but don't do anything yet.
• Remind your significant other of "The List" he wrote up on his own... he will soooo appreciate your frequent, gentle reminders.

2 Weeks Prior

• Still too early to really start cleaning... but you could perhaps tackle areas that can be quarantined off, like a guest bedroom.  Now is a good time to take care of outdoor spaces, like the garage. 
• Weed the gardens because even if little weeds spring up in the next two weeks, everyone will cut you a little bit of slack so it'll be okay.  Trim the hedges so they have time to regrow if you happen to "over-do" it a little bit.
• Next time you vacuum, vacuum in the little crevices and start to reach the corners.  Now is a great time to educate your children about cobwebs and dust bunnies.
• Clean hard to reach places (as in, places your kids won't be able to reach and muck up again) like the vent under the fridge and the floor under the stove broiler drawer.
• Take stock of stains on carpet. Freak out, but don't do anything yet.
• Clean the bugs out of any glass ceiling fans or light fixtures.  If you think of it, change the bulbs too.
• Check the mouse traps (JUST KIDDING... maybe?)!

Okay, this is when it really starts to get dicey.  You might even be getting over-confident, until you start adding up all of the remaining chores and factoring in the unknown.  Now you really must follow a precise schedule...

7 Days Prior

• Massive amounts of laundry. You can't get to the floors until the laundry is all done.
• Notice the smell in the bathroom. Freak out, but don't do anything yet.
• Sort through toys and put them away in the correct places (this is a much bigger job than you have time for).  Tell the children that they are not allowed to play with any of these toys for the next week.  That it would be better if instead of playing with toys, they just played with their shadows for a week.
• Shampoo the carpet or...

6 Days Prior

• Spot clean the carpet.
• Comment on how clean the carpet looks.
• Wash the walls. This might seem completely superfluous and ridiculous and frivolous but you would be SHOCKED at how much good a Mr. Clean Eraser (or competitive store brand) can do!  Clean off the shoe scuffs, the hand prints, the pencil marks and that funky sticky pink stuff that won't come off until you really scrub hard.
• Gently remind your significant other of all the things he must be getting done (without addressing everything that you have failed to complete on your own list).
• Visualize cleaning the bathroom.

5 Days Prior

• Get distracted by a menial task... like untangling string from your everything drawer, or changing batteries in all of your childrens' Zuzu pets.
• Notice that the carpet doesn't look as clean as it did yesterday. Notice the smell in the bathroom and the crud underneath the toaster oven. Freak out, but don't do anything yet.
• Dust surfaces and encourage the kids to "help out". 
• Glue together the figurines that the kids broke while helping you dust.  Hide the figurines that can't be fixed.
• Wash off cupboards in the kitchen.

4 Days Prior

• Do more laundry and put it away immediately (unlike what you normally do, which is to leave it in baskets around the house).
• Panic.  And then catch up on some TV shows you have on DVR.

3 Days Prior

• Window washing... yeah!  Have the kids help.  Expect half of your window washing fluid to be used on one pane.  Don't be tempted to wash glass surfaces that the kids will actually touch (like glass coffee tables you stupidly bought before having kids).
• Clean out the inside of the fridge and the microwave.  Good luck with that funky sticky pink stuff that won't come off until you really scrub.  What is that stuff anyway?
• Clean out the shower... just in case the shower curtain gets left open during the party (even though you always try to close it, why does it end up wide open?).
• Realize you will need to clean your shower curtain.
• Clean up after an inevitable huge mess that the kids just made: soggy cereal spilled under the table, cake batter sprayed all over the kitchen cupboards and counters, scraps of paper left over after making snowflakes, couch cushion obstacle course, etc...
• Clean up the family room and block it off completely.

2 Days Prior

• Freak out! Then get over-confident.
• Gently encourage your children to clean their rooms. This year was quite shocking... Liam actually said these words to me after about 20 minutes of cleaning, "Mom, I'm not done cleaning my room, I have a few more things I need to do."  On the other hand, you will likely have to sit there and telepathically visualize your child picking up each and every little toy left on the floor.
• Finally!  Clean up around the toilets and clean the bathtub toys.
• Prepare yourself for a major disaster such as: Dumped Legos on a plush carpet, muddy sneakers and/or a broken dishwasher handle rendering the dishwasher unusable for the foreseeable future (TRUE STORY)!

1 Day Prior

• Clean the bathroom mirrors, floors & counter tops
• Vacuum at the last possible second.
• Sweep the floors at the last possible second after that.
• Make the children sit in the car while you finish up preparing food, staging areas, etc...

Now if you are like me, you will continue preparing for your party long after the guests arrive.  You may stop for a beer or a hard lemonade, but for the most part you will be a blur, running back and forth between the kitchen and the outdoor food tables with serving spoons, shredded cheese and that corn bread you forgot to serve until it was too late.  At some point, after most of the guests have come and gone, you will get to sit down and enjoy what is left of your party until...

When the Party is Winding Down

• Save the food!  If you really want to do a dis-service, you will sit around lazily while all those tasty left-overs rot away on the food tables.  This will also provide fodder for the skunk family that lives nearby so instead of leaving it all out, put it away before it's too late.  I recommend Ziploc bags for easy and quick storage.  If you're smart you will wash the dishes.  If you're me you will ask a friend to wash the dishes.

The Next Day

• In order to avoid being thought of as "those neighbors",you probably should pick up all of the bottles left around your yard.  You should gather up any left over house guests and encourage them to help with clean up efforts while you have their attention.  It helps if you have leftover meat that you can grill up for them to eat an early lunch before they set out on their way.
• Vacuum again (it may be painful to vacuum twice in two days, but you really must do it anyway unless you want chocolate cupcakes permanently squished into your carpet.

     The aftermath of a good party is kind of like taking off a girdle after your wedding.  Just let it all loose.  No one's opinion matters anymore.  So even though everything in your house was thoroughly cleaned, it won't take long for that thick layer of dust and grime to reappear.  Those familiar stains will reappear on your freshly shampooed carpet, along with friendly new stains.  Plus, now all the toys will be completely mixed up and strewn around the house- back to normal, right?  Three weeks later, you'll finally get around to taking down the Tiki torches in the backyard, emptying out the kiddie pool and taking the cereal boxes out your bedroom and back onto the kitchen counter.  It's okay, the coast is clear; until you start thinking about how fun it would be to have a Halloween Party in October...  

Playing With Food

     I consider myself to be a creative individual which is why I chose my career so wisely.  Teaching keeps me on my toes and thinking creatively each and every day.  Over the summer there is an excess amount of creativity that comes out at odd times... like when I am making lunch on a given weekday after swim lessons or before our next playdate.  Here are a few of my creations which may or may not have come out well on a cell phone camera.

     This is a sea-inspired meal complete with an octopus (?) and fishies.  I made the octopus with a few too many legs but he's got a body made of mozzerella cheese and noodles for tentacles.  The orange fish are carrots with cut out tails and a small hole for an eye.  The opened sugar snap peas were clams (can't really see in the photo).

 Campfire with logs made from fries and fish sticks!  Okay, this might look like a stretch, but I used the fish sticks as logs and the fries as kindling.

     Made the light sabres for Liam and Josh's Star Wars birthday party.  I dipped the pretzels into colored chocolates and then poked holes in this box to hold the sticks upright.  For more Star Wars food ideas check out my June post, http://worstbestmom.blogspot.com/2012/06/star-wars-spoiler-alert.html for ideas that are easy (like Wookie Cookies- Samoas look amazingly perfect for the part) and not-so-easy (like R2Brie 2).

     I made these centerpieces for a baby shower.  In the interest of not paying $50 for an arrangement, I decided to make my own with some grapes, blueberries, kiwi fruit, orange slices, raspberries and cut out pieces of canteloup in the shapes of rubber duckies and flowers.  You could also use watermelon if it's in season and/or strawberries too! 

     This was a dinosaur-inspired meal with dino chickens (a favorite in the house) and a mashed potato volcano with tomato sauce lava.  I made the dinos stand up using extra bits of mashed potatoes. 

     This was a scary squid monster for a Halloween party.  It rested on a bed of spinach, I used spirals to make a homemade mac and cheese, olives for eyes and a Ritz cracker for its mouth.  Unfortunately they weren't eaten because my mac and cheese was homemade (and not from a box).  Lesson learned!

     Okay, here's my most recent masterpiece!  This is my most recent, garden fresh platter for lunch.  Liam wanted seconds... and then for thirds he made his own flower with cut up cherry tomatoes.  For my original version, we had basil and chives grass, cucumber stems and three flowers made with a combination of cherry tomatoes, cucumbers, dip and an egg.  I used mozzerella cheese for clouds and an egg for the sunshine.

     Not so bad for a teacher on summer vacation!  But my kids are perfectly happy to eat fish sticks, french fries, cheese, veggies, noodles and pretty much anything (except homemade macaroni and cheese).  So it does make me wonder, if this isn't necessary to make the kids eat.  Why do I?  there's something peaceful about just knowing that I can sometimes.  I know my food creations aren't too great on a grand scale, but sometimes it's nice to just fritter away some time just because you have an extra momentand also to teach your kids a lesson; that sometimes it is okay to play with your food.

Eat Your Fruit

     My sister and I just confessed something to each other.  It turns out that in our collective 11 years of motherhood, we have neglected to eat very much fruit. That is because we both have a tendency to hoard our fruit and give it to the kids.  As if we ourselves are undeserving of that beautiful plump red strawberry.  No, instead that one should go to the children and we should eat the mushy maroon one at the bottom of the crate.
     For years I wondered how my mom could possibly like burnt food and then it occurred to me.  First, that she is not a great cook.  Second, that she was sacrificing herself for the good of the children.  Now I am the one to eat burnt food (see Mom, I'm not that great of a cook myself) and I almost never eat my fair share of fruit.  It's as though all wholesome ingredients belong to the children.  I'm fearful of robbing them of antioxidants so I will save the blueberries for them.  I recall eating quite healthy while pregnant so apparently that is the exception to the rule; while you are sustaining another life, you may eat fruit. But the second that life becomes self-sustaining, it's your job to provide them with those vitamins and nutrients, even if it is at the cost of your own health.
     This is completely irrational.  My sister and I know this.  But still I find that I only eat the apple if it's eating the one Josh got bored of holding and gnawing on.  And when I do eat the apple, I eat every last piece of the flesh down to the seed casings, as if I'm starved for fruit.  Completely irrational.  Everyone knows that adults need antioxidants and vitamins.  How can we possibly provide for our children if our immune systems and energy are tapped?  How can we maintain a peaceful household if we are in poor health?  What sort of an example can I be if I'm saving all of the fruit for them and so they never see me eating any?
     I remember guilty pleasures such as buying a pint of blueberries at the coop and finishing them off myself in the car ride home. I remember fruit salads and smoothies.  I remember ordering oranges from Florida. 
     At the moment it seems that this deprivation is only in relation to fruit.  Maybe it's because fruit is a little harder to get and is more expensive.  But I seem to have no problem eating a heaping salad full of nutrients or mounds of nachos covered in lettuce, tomatoes and cucumbers.  And of course, there are foods that I am unwilling to share with the children out of my own selfishness.  I might've more than once given Josh or Liam the piece of sushi that was next to the wasabi... just so they wouldn't like it and I wouldn't have to share.  I also am secretly happy that they don't like green olives, guacamole, brie cheese, fresh mozzarella cheese and Ultimate Blue Cheese dressing. Actually, I don't know if they like the blue cheese dressing or not... but I'm not going to find out because I really don't want to share it.  They'll be content with ranch.
     I may wither up and die for lack of nutrition, it's true.  It's also true that I cannot remember to take a multi-vitamin.  Yesterday I bought Joshua (per his request) a pint of blackberries for $4 at the Farmer's Market.  Seriously, $4.  I bought lettuce, garlic, zucchini, yellow squash, a cucumber, two jalapenos and blackberries.  It came to $10 total.  So these blackberries were like gold (in the shape of berries) and they were somewhat devoured by the boys in the 1 mile drive back to the house.  The vast majority of the rest was gobbled up secretly in the family room downstairs while I cooked lunch.  When Josh came upstairs he was wearing approximately 50 cents of blackberry juice on his shirt.  I looked in the pint and there were about 10 berries left.  The squished ones at the bottom of the crate.  I put them in the fridge (just in case the boys wanted them later).  Apparently I was feeling as though I was not worthy of the leftover mushed up blackberries.  I remembered them in the morning.  I looked at the boys.  They were eating their daily carbs (cereal and english muffins).  I looked at the berries.  I didn't feel like eating carbs for breakfast.  I wanted those berries.  I guiltily began popping them into my mouth, one after the other.  And I only shared a couple.