It's official. I am a big liar, a really big liar. And your pants are on fire too, admit it. We've all been so caught up in the holiday spirit, how many of us have counted the number of lies we've laid out in the month of December? Surely it's above our quota.
The elaborate length of our trickery occurred to me as I walked around the house at 11:45 pm on Christmas Eve with a string of bells, gently shaking them outside my childrens' doors- loud enough to possibly invade their Christmas Eve dreams, but quiet enough not to get them awake too early to see the presents carefully laid out for them (or for them to see the crumbs on my lips from the cookies we set out). Oh the elaborate trickery we perform!
We stop talking like grown ups in the month of December. We differentiate between fiction on TV and a new so-called reality. "Sweetheart, this is a cartoon about Rudolf but that's not the Real Rudolf- it's just a cartoon." Which seriously begs the question: where is the real Rudolf? Does his nose really shine so bright? "This is just a movie about the Tooth Fairy. The real Tooth Fairy is much smaller". Since when does the myth become reality and the movie become the fantasy? Do we realize the price we pay when we blur those lines so fantastically? You can even ride on the Polar Express and meet up with Santa in the middle of the woods! But we see Santa everywhere we go now anyway, "Oh silly, that's not the real Santa. You wouldn't have to pay the real Santa $18 to take a photo of you on his lap!" So where's the real Santa then? Is this one of his minions or really is that just someone the mall hired? Grown ups... we need to get our stories straight if this hoax is going to last... how many times does Santa check his list? Who works for Santa and who is just in it for a pay check? How does Santa fit all the toys in his sack? There's so many versions of the story out there, we're bound to be discovered for the liars that we are if we don't all agree on something.
It's not enough that there is a Santa and his reindeer to conjure up. We also need to comply with our culture's insistence of piling up more lies... I mean traditions. Now we have an Elf to sit on our shelves and we all need to keep listening for the Polar Express too. I keep losing that damn little bell and putting it in places where Liam finds it before me even though everyone knows Santa is the one who is supposed to put the bell under a tree in a separately marked package. How can I keep up with the Elf if I can't even do the Polar Express bell effectively? Maybe I need a separate box to be kept under my bed labeled "LIES" where I keep my bunny ears, stash the Tooth Fairy's Sacajawea coins and hide that damn broken bell.
On a side, philosophical, note... don't think it goes un-noticed that I am actually Jewish here. I completely realize the irony as I carefully arrange my childrens' plastic Easter grass in their baskets. I won't apologize for this- I'll only say that I'm glad Judaism doesn't pile on any additional hoaxes that I'm aware of. I mean, there's Hannukah Harry but I have no idea who made him up and I have no intention of posing as a guy named Harry- I want to take all of the credit for the presents my children receive on Hannukah.
Maybe it's all the kids' fault. They're so gullible, they're asking for all these lies really. It's no wonder they believe in ghosts and monsters considering how we fool them into believing in all these other imaginary creatures and beings. For a child, it wouldn't be too far fetched to see a man in a sleigh; just like seeing an alligator under their bed or a monster in their closet seems like a possibility.
I teach my students in school about fantasy and realistic fiction. It takes quite awhile to get past the "It could happen" possibility that separates the two. They keep saying, "There could be a wizard named Harry" and "It's possible that a lion can talk" and I keep assuring them that no, these things are not known to be true so they therefore make the stories fantasy. Every year somehow it comes up... maybe as they're writing a book about Santa on their Reading Log or perhaps in conversation... "Is this book about Santa fantasy or realistic fiction?" And I have to stop talking like a teacher, put away all of my education that screams at me to say (obviously) Realistic Fantasy. Instead I say, "What do you think?" and I actually do smile when they write "Realistic Fiction".
There's still time to stand up against it all... but really, no, there isn't. I started with Joshua years ago. Santa this and "Ho Ho Ho" that. And my lies are propagated by just about everyone who met him this December. Santa even visited his baby sitter's house with his jingle bells and presents. Joshua and Santa go way back, and I haven't done a single thing to stop it, only to add more fuel to the flames by singing "Santa Claus is coming to town..." Why don't we tell our kids the truth about Santa? Hmmm
Here's my other confession... lying is so much fun. I mean, running around with jingle bells in the middle of the night... that's just plain silly fun. Not to mention how much fun it is to leave a trail of jelly beans throughout the house or to hide Easter eggs. Lying is so much fun, I'm considering buying a TuTu to wear when I get to make that first Tooth Fairy appearance! I am so complicit with all these hoaxes, I just can't help but think... maybe I'm making them true. Seriously, if I get that TuTu and I leave a coin under Liam's pillow, then technically I AM the Tooth Fairy, right? Which leaves Bill as the official Santa and me as the official Easter Bunny (Go ahead and laugh, I'm a Jewish Easter Bunny... what's bigger, my ears or my nose?)!
I know I struggle with the whole Polar Express bell thingy but I am seriously considering buying an Elf on the Shelf if I see one on the clearance rack this January. Afterall, what's one more lie?
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