Attempts to Offer Advice to the New Mommies Out There!

     This weekend I went to see my sister and her new baby.  He turned two weeks old and has at least a month left of that newborn status where he gets to look around the world with hazy eyes and (my favorite part) curl up onto a warm shoulder to take a nap.  Soon enough she/he'll be a round, bright eyed baby squirming to get wherever he wants to go and babbling to say whatever is on his/her mind!  And so in honor of this brand new baby in the family, I have a few words of advice to any new mother or any mother who has older kids & may have forgotten about the baby stages already (like I did before this weekend)...

(1) Keep the diaper on the baby at all times.  If you take a diaper off, you risk immediate peril to your fluffy slippers, leather couch and/or white carpet.
(2) Relating to #1- When you are holding a naked baby and you say, "He/She is peeing on me!"  You better hope that it's pee.
(3) Don't expect any clothing to actually fit your newborn baby. Even the newborn sizes don't fit newborn babies.
(4) Baby toys are useless.  If the package says anything below 3 months, you can just laugh about it and save yourself the $12. 
(5) Relating to #4- I don't think any baby I've ever met has actually liked having a rattle on their socks, mittens or wrists.
(6) Many people say that when your baby sleeps, you should sleep but I disagree. While taking a nap with baby is the pure definition of bliss... if you're not holding the baby you may want to consider one of the following options during his/her short nap: (a) Take a shower; it's 3 pm! or (b) Do the dishes; your husband is more likely to cook dinner for you when he gets home if the sink is empty.
(7) If you're wondering where to put the baby when you're not holding him, this is where either one of those 3 bouncy seats you have put together would come in handy or where it would be handy to have a carpeted floor, a blanket and no animals in the house (in my experience, animals tend to steal binkies... but then again when I had my first baby our animal in the house was a ferret).
(8) If you get your baby a cute matchy outfit (ie pants, shirt, jacket, hat, booties, etc...) expect only 2/3 of the outfit to fit.  Clearly some outfits are cuter on the hanger but never expected to actually be worn (think of it kind of like those super sexy numbers in Victoria's Secret).
(9) Relating to #8- It might be awhile before you can walk into a Victoria's Secret without feeling "awkward"- particularly if you're walking into Victoria's Secret (a) Looking for a nursing bra (b) With a stroller and/or (c) In bleach-stained baggy sweats (because they're the only thing that fit).
(10) If you are a klutz, like this Worst Best Mom Ever, than you may want to constantly dress your baby with a cute, padded hat.  That way when you walk too close to the door frame, baby won't get hurt.
(11) Baths can really be relaxing for babies... and the baby will be naked... so expect the unexpected while bathing the baby.  And often times (if you have a boy), the unexpected will come in a rather large arch so you may want to clear off whatever is around the sink or tub before bathing baby.
(12) For the baby's first doctor's appointment, you should bring two extra changes of clothing for the baby... and an extra change of clothes for yourself too (again, since doctor's visits include baby nudity).
(13) Consider pictures your baby might regret when he/she gets older (nudity & cross dressing to be specific).  Then decide if that means you want to avoid taking the picture or perhaps take more pictures just like it.
(14) Cadbury eggs might keep you from going crazy.
(15) I think I made this one up when I had my first baby- "Everything works sometimes and sometimes nothing works".  Then I had my second baby and he taught me that "Often times anything works".  So in conclusion, I guess that just means that you can toss out all of the advice (#s1-14) anyone ever gives you and just follow your instinct.

     Okay and just to wrap it up... here's the worst advice we ever received upon becoming parents... Actually, Bill received the advice and I really doubt he ever followed it...
*Wait 2 weeks to taste the breast milk.  And when you do taste it, try it in your coffee!
     And now, in a shameless effort to encourage others to comment!!!  What is your advice to a new mommy?  And I don't mean that cheesy advice that you give people for that game at the baby shower, I mean your real-life advice!