The 5 minutes are for family and very close friends. It includes things like making sure I didn't take my clothes off in the bathroom and then leave them all lying on the floor. The dirtier you've seen my house, the more you know I love you. Either that or you really should call before just showing up at my door.
The 3 weeks are for parties. Big events that happen a few times a year. We have been avoiding birthday party clean ups by contracting out our parties these past couple of years. But each summer we still insist upon having a summer BBQ. There are many reasons for having a summer BBQ. The first is that we enjoy seeing all of our friends and family and it's a good excuse to get everyone together. The food is great too, especially since we started making a chili cook-off be the big event of the BBQ (next year, beware, Bill is reclaiming his title). It's also a litmus test to see how popular we are; although it could just be Bill who is popular and not me... At any rate, we do enjoy having a summer BBQ but it's a lot of work. A lot a lot a lot of work. Like, weeks worth of work. Just in case you are clinically insane and wish to host a summer BBQ at your house, I have attached a schedule for cleaning while continuing to live in your house with children. This is an extremely precise schedule considering that any given moment grape juice could be spilled on the carpet, messy hands could be smeared on the walls and a soggy wad of oatmeal could be dripped onto the table and left there until it hardens into a rock-like substance (much like a coral reef).
3 Weeks Prior
- If you haven't done so already, start freaking out. If you've already started to freak out, please continue.
- You can't really start any actual cleaning at this point. Just try not to fall too far behind on the dishes, laundry or regular vacuuming. Above all, don't expect any of the cleaning you do now to actually stick for the next three weeks.
- You could try to clean something that the kids have never heard of... like a closet. You could also consider cleaning something obscure, like the curtains.
- Notice the crumbs an unidentified crud underneath the toaster oven. Freak out, but don't do anything yet.
- Remind your significant other of "The List" he wrote up on his own... he will soooo appreciate your frequent, gentle reminders.
- Still too early to really start cleaning... but you could perhaps tackle areas that can be quarantined off, like a guest bedroom. Now is a good time to take care of outdoor spaces, like the garage.
- Weed the gardens because even if little weeds spring up in the next two weeks, everyone will cut you a little bit of slack so it'll be okay. Trim the hedges so they have time to regrow if you happen to "over-do" it a little bit.
- Next time you vacuum, vacuum in the little crevices and start to reach the corners. Now is a great time to educate your children about cobwebs and dust bunnies.
- Clean hard to reach places (as in, places your kids won't be able to reach and muck up again) like the vent under the fridge and the floor under the stove broiler drawer.
- Take stock of stains on carpet. Freak out, but don't do anything yet.
- Clean the bugs out of any glass ceiling fans or light fixtures. If you think of it, change the bulbs too.
- Check the mouse traps (JUST KIDDING... maybe?)!
7 Days Prior
- Massive amounts of laundry. You can't get to the floors until the laundry is all done.
- Notice the smell in the bathroom. Freak out, but don't do anything yet.
- Sort through toys and put them away in the correct places (this is a much bigger job than you have time for). Tell the children that they are not allowed to play with any of these toys for the next week. That it would be better if instead of playing with toys, they just played with their shadows for a week.
- Shampoo the carpet or...
- Spot clean the carpet.
- Comment on how clean the carpet looks.
- Wash the walls. This might seem completely superfluous and ridiculous and frivolous but you would be SHOCKED at how much good a Mr. Clean Eraser (or competitive store brand) can do! Clean off the shoe scuffs, the hand prints, the pencil marks and that funky sticky pink stuff that won't come off until you really scrub hard.
- Gently remind your significant other of all the things he must be getting done (without addressing everything that you have failed to complete on your own list).
- Visualize cleaning the bathroom.
- Get distracted by a menial task... like untangling string from your everything drawer, or changing batteries in all of your childrens' Zuzu pets.
- Notice that the carpet doesn't look as clean as it did yesterday. Notice the smell in the bathroom and the crud underneath the toaster oven. Freak out, but don't do anything yet.
- Dust surfaces and encourage the kids to "help out".
- Glue together the figurines that the kids broke while helping you dust. Hide the figurines that can't be fixed.
- Wash off cupboards in the kitchen.
- Do more laundry and put it away immediately (unlike what you normally do, which is to leave it in baskets around the house).
- Panic. And then catch up on some TV shows you have on DVR.
- Window washing... yeah! Have the kids help. Expect half of your window washing fluid to be used on one pane. Don't be tempted to wash glass surfaces that the kids will actually touch (like glass coffee tables you stupidly bought before having kids).
- Clean out the inside of the fridge and the microwave. Good luck with that funky sticky pink stuff that won't come off until you really scrub. What is that stuff anyway?
- Clean out the shower... just in case the shower curtain gets left open during the party (even though you always try to close it, why does it end up wide open?).
- Realize you will need to clean your shower curtain.
- Clean up after an inevitable huge mess that the kids just made: soggy cereal spilled under the table, cake batter sprayed all over the kitchen cupboards and counters, scraps of paper left over after making snowflakes, couch cushion obstacle course, etc...
- Clean up the family room and block it off completely.
- Freak out! Then get over-confident.
- Gently encourage your children to clean their rooms. This year was quite shocking... Liam actually said these words to me after about 20 minutes of cleaning, "Mom, I'm not done cleaning my room, I have a few more things I need to do." On the other hand, you will likely have to sit there and telepathically visualize your child picking up each and every little toy left on the floor.
- Finally! Clean up around the toilets and clean the bathtub toys.
- Prepare yourself for a major disaster such as: Dumped Legos on a plush carpet, muddy sneakers and/or a broken dishwasher handle rendering the dishwasher unusable for the foreseeable future (TRUE STORY)!
- Clean the bathroom mirrors, floors & counter tops
- Vacuum at the last possible second.
- Sweep the floors at the last possible second after that.
- Make the children sit in the car while you finish up preparing food, staging areas, etc...
When the Party is Winding Down
- Save the food! If you really want to do a dis-service, you will sit around lazily while all those tasty left-overs rot away on the food tables. This will also provide fodder for the skunk family that lives nearby so instead of leaving it all out, put it away before it's too late. I recommend Ziploc bags for easy and quick storage. If you're smart you will wash the dishes. If you're me you will ask a friend to wash the dishes.
- In order to avoid being thought of as "those neighbors",you probably should pick up all of the bottles left around your yard. You should gather up any left over house guests and encourage them to help with clean up efforts while you have their attention. It helps if you have leftover meat that you can grill up for them to eat an early lunch before they set out on their way.
- Vacuum again (it may be painful to vacuum twice in two days, but you really must do it anyway unless you want chocolate cupcakes permanently squished into your carpet.
The aftermath of a good party is kind of like taking off a girdle after your wedding. Just let it all loose. No one's opinion matters anymore. So even though everything in your house was thoroughly cleaned, it won't take long for that thick layer of dust and grime to reappear. Those familiar stains will reappear on your freshly shampooed carpet, along with friendly new stains. Plus, now all the toys will be completely mixed up and strewn around the house- back to normal, right? Three weeks later, you'll finally get around to taking down the Tiki torches in the backyard, emptying out the kiddie pool and taking the cereal boxes out your bedroom and back onto the kitchen counter. It's okay, the coast is clear; until you start thinking about how fun it would be to have a Halloween Party in October...
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