I've attached a picture first this time to illustrate my point. Do I look happy and normal? Or do I look like I'm on the edge of insanity? See the crazed look in my eye? See how I'm trying to get Josh to cooperate, and how Liam is just ready to shout out and run circles around a waiter holding one of those big trays carrying 12 bowls of soup?
I should have learned my lesson early on. But instead I've gone through the school of hard knocks. I've tried to entertain my kids by stacking the jellies together into a tower, but somehow they always end up knocked over and under an unsuspecting diner's sandals (messy). I've tried to talk my kids into "inside voices", but somehow they seem to prefer experimenting with an echo that the resort dining hall has to offer. I've tried to dress them up all nicely in matching shirts and to teach them to use their forks, but somehow they end up covered in sauces and syrups and apple juice.
There's always those times at a restaurant when my children are absolute angels. When they color on their placemats, eat all of their $4.95 kids' meal and speak only when spoken to. It really doesn't happen often, but when it does, I quietly accept all compliments offered by wait staff and fellow diners. I just smile and nod, knowing that any moment... or if we were to return the very next day to the same place... it could be a very different scenario involving banging forks and spaghetti all over the floor.
Because I have learned so many valuable lessons, I am eager to share my survival techniques. I know we all have tricks up our sleeves. Perhaps we should share them in an open forum so that everyone can benefit from our shared knowledge.
1) Restaurant toys- Anyone who has ever been to a restaurant with me and the boys knows about the bag of restaurant toys I keep in my car. The key to a bag of restaurant toys is that the toys must be coveted and... (this is important) only used at a restaurant. Our best one was a fold-up Thomas the Train set. It offered a good 10 minutes of focused play time. Since it gradually lost all of its pieces, we haven't been able to replace it and our restaurant toy bag just hasn't been the same. FYI- the least favorite thing in the bag... stencils. Apparently stencils are lame.
2) Restaurant placemats- Now that Liam is older, Tic-Tac-Toe is a big favorite as well as doing any mazes and matches on the placemats. Here's some advice... when you're done with the placemat, leave the crayons at the table (don't put them into your restaurant toy bag). The crayons melt too easily, are usually not washable and will mess up your new restaurant toy bag.
3) Take the kids on walks! This requires that you go to a restaurant that actually has something cool to look at. I suggest any restaurant with a fountain, pond or aquarium. Fish and turtles are a bonus (check out the Asian buffet!). If you're in a seafood restaurant, visit the lobsters to wish them well! Some restaurants will have random things hanging on the walls. Great for I-Spy walks throughout the restaurant! Other restaurants have good views of roads or even airplanes (check out the Truck Stop diners! Or a cafe near the airport!). Also, taking the kids on walks requires two of you at least. Either take turns walking with both kids in tow or split them up! Teamwork really is the key, especially if you want to actually eat your meal.
4) Fast food. What can I say? I know you really want that fancy pasta dish or that medium rare steak... but you may need to settle for a burrito and choosing your salsa from the salad bar. You may need to get your food from a trough and it may involve soft serve ice cream for dessert. Trust me. Lower your standards and you might get to actually finish your meal. Buffets and fast food are great because you won't be wasting precious time ordering and waiting for your food to be ready. It's all about just getting your food and eating it too.
5) Coupons & Kids Eat Free nights! Here's something annoying... it's when you go out to eat and order your children their meals... and then they fill up on chips and salsa (or bread and butter) and don't eat a single bite of their actual $4.95 kids' meal. You might think that $4.95 isn't such a big deal, but start multiplying $4.95 by the # of kids you have and you will realize that you've just wasted money... and don't think for a minute that they'll eat the leftovers when you get home (or that you'll want their cold chicken nuggets). No, it really is best to have your kids eat cheaply or for free... so if they don't eat you won't fret (and if they do, you'll rejoice at what a bargain it all was)!
6) Go to a loud restaurant... but not too loud. Going to a quiet, peaceful restaurant with your child will very likely send you over the edge. Remember, it's very unlikely that your child will adjust his/her volume to the location. So instead, go to a place with low expectations... that already has a loud murmur going on. If you're very lucky, you'll find one of those places that have great acoustics that let you hear the people at your table... but nowhere else. But if you're kids are really annoying, maybe you would prefer one of those places that's just so loud, you won't even hear the kids at your own table. Just kidding... kind of.
7) Fun restaurants. Oh Chuck E. Cheese isn't exactly my idea of "eating out" but it does get the job done. Kids can have fun, run amok and eat pizza. There's also the McDonald's Playland option and any other restaurant that has a playground. Balloon night is always fun too... until you realize you just paid/tipped the lady $5 for a balloon animal that will be deflated by the end of the week. One local Thai restaurant actually has an inflatable pool ball pit. It looked like so much fun... until the kids started throwing balls all over the restaurant.
8) Angry Birds.
9) Sit near other kids. Ever notice how the hostess corals all of the kids into the back corner of the restaurant? I say... bring it on! It's a great chance to meet new friends! Also, it's quite possible that the kids at the other table will misbehave worse than your kids so... your kids will look like angels. I'm always okay with other kids misbehaving because it makes my kids putting spaghetti in their hair a little less noticeable.
10) Tip well. Funny isn't it that kids food is cheaper but the waiters and waitresses seem to be working twice as hard? And don't forget, some of them have families to feed too!
It's hard to explain that swell of panic and stress that rises up inside of me when the kids are having an off night at a restaurant. I have to remind myself that most of the other diners have experienced the same thing as me... and that they probably aren't even noticing my little guy(s). Sometimes any combination of these strategies can do wonders at improving our restaurant experiences. Of course, there are countless other times that nothing at all will work. If your child won't stop jumping on the booth, crawling on the filthy floor or stealing crayons from his brother just take a deep breath and smile. Tomorrow night it will be Kraft Mac & Cheese with chicken nuggets and doing the dishes won't seem so bad afterall.
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