How I Bleached Our Nursery Room Rocker

     Ever go on a tirade around the house?  It starts something like this...

• What is that stuff in the back of that drawer?
• Ew... this drawer too?
• Maybe it's time to apply the new shelf paper I bought six months ago.
• But first I need to do the dishes because this is going to be a mess.
• But first I need to empty the dishwasher because I still haven't emptied last night's load.
• Where is Liam?  He's supposed to do the silverware.
• Liam!  What is this mess?  Let me help you clean it up.
• Okay, now the dishes are done and it's time to get back to work.
• Oh, I thought I cleaned out all of the syrup when it fell into the silverware drawer.
• Hmm... maybe I should just put a new layer of shelf paper on top of the old layers...
• (Improper attempt to rationalize laziness) Afterall, shelf paper will stick better to other pieces of shelf paper, right?
• Moment of rationality... No, then I'd have to clean the old shelf paper.  If I take it off, it's easier anyway so I can still meet my daily lazy quota.
• Why do we have so many take-out chopsticks?
• How many bottle openers do we need?
• I think I can throw out this bottle opener we got from the Vatican 9 years ago... the Pope's face fell off it awhile back anyway so now it's just a plain old bottle opener.  No more irony.
• I think I'll go the extra step by spraying the drawers with Lysol... better go outside.
• Why is it such a nice day... in January?
• All of our windows need to be opened right now.
• Dammit.  Most of our windows are covered with that window insulating plastic... better just open the other ones.
• Joshua's window is too well insulated (only window in the house with those cozy insulated permanent shades)... his windowsill is actually black. That's probably not good.  I better clean it with some mildew remover.
• Oh my god, I have so much to do.  I still haven't finished the drawers.
• Where did I put that spray?
• Oh, it's on the rocker.
• Hmmm... it seems to be leaking bleach onto my rocking chair.
• Insert swear word here.
• I should probably tell Bill so he doesn't sit on the chair and bleach his jeans later.

Full disclosure: At some point in this barely productive madness I yelled at Bill who was being so unproductive.  I mean, all he did so far on this day was take Liam to bowling league and then fix our furnace.  I also forgot to tell him about the bleached chair.  Ooops.
Full disclosure: By some grace of God, I actually had a lunch date with a friend so I got out of the house and thereby regained a good amount of sanity.  It's a good thing I regained some sanity because Bill had his own Bowling League even to attend so... it was just two kids and a crazy mom for the evening.
     And this is how any good tirade really should end...

• Oh!  It's getting dark and we have no drawers.
• But our tupperware cupboard is so accessible, as I'm putting dishes away, I can just throw the tupperware into the open drawer slot and it falls into the cupboard below.
• I'd better get our drawers.
• Ack!  Liam!  What are you doing with that shelf paper!  Stick it back on to the backing!  I'm not ready yet!
• Joshua!  Come back with the roll!  It's not a weapon!
• I am the best mom ever, I'm teaching Liam how to use the measuring tape correctly.
• Wow, Liam is not really a straight cutter is he.
• How am I supposed to put shelf paper on straight when Joshua is sticking his face directly in front of my face and holding on to my hair with both hands?
• Is it possible that Liam is better at putting this on straight and without bubbles than I am?
• Now that we're done, I'm totally feeling fine.  I can totally handle making spaghetti and meatballs.
• What was I thinking?  Why did I think I could handle cooking a real meal tonight?
• What is Joshua talking about?  Why do I need to argue with a 2 year old even though I know I'm right?  (It is at this moment that Joshua has come into the kitchen waving around a plastic tomato from his kitchen set. He got into an argument with me that I was in no position to win despite the fact that I was right... and he threw his plastic tomatoes into the hot oven)
• Huh, imagine that.  Joshua just happened to throw his plastic tomato at the exact moment that the oven was open and now it's in the back corner... unreachable to me.
• I need potholders... but they're all being washed.
• I can't get to the plastic tomato because the hot grates are in the way.
• I can't put the grates on top of the oven because that's where the banana muffins are (did I mention I made banana muffins this morning).
• I'll have to lay the grates on top of the oven door... precariously of course.
• I should probably be wearing shoes.
• Smoke from burning plastic is probably not good, right?
• Why doesn't Joshua understand karma?  Or irony?           

     At bedtime we all sat down for a story... on the couch so I wouldn't bleach my pants on the rocker in the nursery.